Long Time Livin' Underground

I'm sitting here listening to one of my roommates' laundry attempting to expunge the odours and other abuses it absorbs from daily wear.

I'm hoping that this window into my enthrauling nightly life doesn't bore myself into scrapping this post.... hmmm...

Alright, moving on!

                                Where am I?

Another basement suite.

On the verge of failing all 3 classes.

Getting ready to peace out on my underpaid slave job.

Oh! Best of all: In a worth while relatinoship w/ my awesome fella :)

Let's see if I can get things done now!

Holy Freaking Young-Adult-Life-Crisis

Hello Interwebs,

So I have come to the sad realization that I am almost 22 and completely put off by the notion of a relationship or even having to come into a "let's get to know each other" situation with the opposite sex for relationship purposes. I mean, seriously, what the hell?

I just attempted to make a POF account and found I could not bring myself to do finish signing up. All the information had been filled out, however, when it came to designating my intent for creating the account... I had none. Even with FB I can't change my "relationship status" to single because firstly, I don't want to advertise that "hey! I'm single, feel free to comment on how lame that is" and secondly, I don't want any of the people on FB to offer up a potential date. Honestly, just stop or I'll remove you from my friend's list, block you and have an eye-twitch spasm any time your name is mentioned thereafter.

This is in part that I am just not ready to get into a relationship, yet I find myself wanting that person to snuggle with just before falling asleep. The other part is that this is the first time in years that I have been single and I finally have time for just me. I'm already terrible at trying to socialize with people I don't know because I find it stupid to ask them the generic "what do you like to do in your spare time? what's your career? what's your goal in life? don't you just think unicorns are the best?" Thinking of myself in that situation where you're literally interrogating the other person seems silly to me as well as awkward. It'd be better if things could just free-flow and the conversation just leads itself, but how the hell can that happen if you don't ask questions? UGH PRESSURE!

On the flip side, I was hoping to finish University, wiggle my way into a career and somehow have a bf/fiance/husband a few years later just to pop out a few mini-me's and pass down my strange to them. This clearly is not going to be happening the way I imagined. It doesn't really help that I am now a "commitment-phobe" and completely untrusting of any potential "bf" type. In sum: I am scared shitless that I will die alone with no offspring to tell me they'll love me no matter how crazy I am or how far up the wall I drive them.

I do and don't want to fall in love but people can't go promising me that they will love me forever because A) people are not immortal and B) some people get alzheimer's so how the hell are they to recall that they promised to love you forever? It does not help that Hollywood movies have built up this idea in my head that the girl who's not looking for a relationship miraculously gets swept off her feet by some dashing new man who has popped out of nowhere being all that she desires and they end up falling in love in THEE most dramatic-rollercoaster way imaginable. In the end she's always happy and you can feel the love leeping off the screen and leaching into your pores so that you have to go reject that overdosage of love into the toilet. Thus, I honestly believe that "love" is a ficticious abstract concept created by Hollywood sadists who enjoy watching people fail at reenacting this concept irl.

Yeah, ok, I am pathetic and just being silly perhaps, but I am experiencing this internal battle between wanting all these "ideals" which Disney and the Family channel has subliminally infused into my brain and my repulsion of all these desires to actually be achieved.

Back to writing about the effects of lead in the human skeletal system...

Ash

What do I want from Me?

It is finally evident that I have gotten one of my goals completed. One would hope that by the time they reached 21 they might have accomplished at least one thing and I can finally say that I have: no longer living in the home of my parental units. Yes, I did mention this in my previous post but I just feel that I ought to write out my future goals in sequence of how I wish for them to occur:

1) Complete my Anthropology Major and Geography Minor (yes, I realize this is a "duh" type thing since I'm pretty well there, but some people just end up giving up and I am hoping I won't find myself doing that)

2) Find a career that at least touches on some aspect of what I will have spent 5 years in post-secondary education learning (I need this considering I know someone who just graduated in my major and he is now training to be a paramedic, do I have any hope? I certainly do but for that hope to actually become something tangible may be another matter)

3) Travel with this career (I spent most of my up-bringing spending the longest of 3 years in one place. Now that I have lived in Victoria for the past 8 years :'( I feel very restless and I need to just go... go as in just book a flight to anywhere and get on with it with no plan other than going, going, going)

4) Be happy (So I know this should probably be higher in the list, but to be realistic, how is it fun to be stressed out of one's mind trying to figure out what they'll do for the rest of their life? That's a lot of pressure set on one person with so many options in the world. By the point of accomplishing my first 3 goals, I am hoping this will make me happy and that I can genuinly not feel like running away from everything... although Goal 3 is technically me running away, but running away WITH something)

5) Experience life to the fullest (I honestly have no clue what exactly this means because I doubt anyone has actually succeeded in doing so. But trying is something that can be done and if I'm having fun, being happy, and taking into consideration how lucky I am to know the people I know and having been the places I've been (and will go) I can build myself up and figure out all the goods and bads this world has to offer)

6) If it's out there for me: A Long-Term Love (Ok, do not call me a sap because this (at this stage in my life) is further down on the list and not one of my priorities right now. Of course it's always on my mind, but I'm sick of wondering "who will I end up with?" I want to be able to live now and feel now and if something happens with someone who's willing to be with me and wanting to be with me then so be it! I'm not a downer on love but I'm not going to write an entire novel about it either)

7) Have myself a little bumpkin (This is interchangeable with Goal 6 as I do not necessarily need to have the ideal "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage". I feel that if I at least had a little one they could disown me less easily than a spouse or significant other. Pathetic sounding, perhaps, but it's true. And as much as my co-workers enjoy calling me "Baby-hater" I have a secret: I love babies and children... they also disgust me, but the thought of raising my own and trying to give another person opportunities to figure themselves out and learn and hopefully generate an all around decent human being sounds like the coolest thing ever)

8) Die young (Yeah, hush, I have a deal with a girlfriend. In all seriousness though, I do not ever want to get to the point I can't go to the toilet by myself and I would rather people remember me as a crazy person or a bitch than a crazy bitch who couldn't control her bladder or bowel movements at the very bitter end)

Mhmm

Life

The wheels on which this body runs are freshly greased and greatly worn

From start till end the week goes on, tightly knit into the next

No full stops, just short breaks, pauses result from overload

When thoughts wander, hours later, I find myself lost in something unrelated

Distractions of my wants for things, restricted to my student status

Priorities of student life yield not to socializing nor to experiences longed for

Once my degree has been achieved, once post-secondary is behind me: hope

It floats sweetly near this end: hope

A pause, long enough to embrace what I have been yearning

Maybe then breath can find its way back into my lungs, winding in and out of passage ways

Maybe then the neediness of studying can be forgotten, draining hours

Devoted to achieving an end

Meh

Work, work, work.
Wonderful Walmart

Type, type, type.
Internet Social Life

Think, think, think.
Hermet-Crab Alone Time

In a way I am glad that the summer is dwindling away. I will spend less time getting paid and more time spending hours to think up impactful papers. I will focus less on the dramas of other people's lives and focus more on the dramas within my academic life. This end stretch is all about final relaxation, calming down before I turn up the stress levels, and just having fun.

I Hope Never To Be Found...

Dear Interweb,

Whoa is me...

I think I have become over dramatized thanks to all the TV shows I've been watching (the latest = How I Met Your Mother).

So I have been thinking a lot. I have been avoiding my homework. And I have been wondering whether I want to go into the future (and when I say future I don't mean two seconds from now, 2 weeks from now, nor 3 months from now, I mean life-altering events to shift my life in some way extremely!) at all.

Things that are now don't really last... ever... Like a friendship for example... you may be able to stop hanging out with someone and find yourself with them a couple years later and have it still be the same, but friendship, I have found, is never really a constant. Friendship is there always but the strength of it and the accessibility is never really a sure thing... or like I've said, constant.

My heart is a little heavy. I do not know whether what I want is still the same for one relationship I have. The other still feels the same but it's scary to me now. I do not think I want attachments so young in my life, but at the same time I'm afraid that if I let go there will be nothing for me at all when everyone else finds their One. So what do I do?

I'm not really sure and I just wish that things would cease to impress upon my mind their heavy loads when I'm already immersed in school and all that homework gunk... And right now I feel very sideways...

Not much sleep, days spent just watching the box, and barely interacting with people whom I have relationships of any sort.

Bahhhhhh. I wish I could drop what I'm doing indefinitely and go somewhere else for a time. Like Europe, Eurasia, or just anywhere not in the spot I am currently sitting.

This is also serving as another procrastination for the assignment I have due this Tuesday... it seems so easy! And should be but I'm placing it on a giant pedestal of Omfg-that-will-take-time.

I wish life could just be some fantastic movie script that never seems to end.

I think that I have actually decided though that I just hate those movie script endings that leave you wanting more because I like to play on my "fanfiction" brain and continue the story. I hate it because it lures me away from reality and when I've finally finished or found no where else to go with my imagining, I am left with the sad reality that I have nothing going on in my life (other than school) that keeps me grounded!

How wonderful it would be to just forget who I am and become someone else... beautiful and attractive perhaps? That would be fantabulous.

*sigh*sigh*sigh*

Well, back to reality and homework and my current bored-to-tears state of mind and state of life.

Good evening,
... Happily Ever After

Let's Have At Her: Warning this is a Rant!

Omg Internet!

I am on the verge of having a complete and utter meltdown at this point in time. So to relieve some of the stress that I have been enduring I must imprint this anger onto this blog page.

Firstly and fairly it is clearly me who has let this stress leech onto me, I know.

Since I did not allow myself a decent amount of study time for each of my courses (one day is NOT enough), I have been under a severe amount of stress and used ridiculously unorganized study habits.

Because of this absolutely idiotic pattern that I continue to use again and again, I have most definitely failed an entire flab-dabbin (I am going to not swear but instead use substitutes to keep my anger levels as low as possible) course and 4 months of my life which ultimately would have helped me save future time since this course (Anatomy Biology) will be useful to the field I wish to pursue.

Secondly, this is what I think of exams, holidays, and scheduling:
WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU HAVE EXAMS JUST DAYS BEFORE A GIGUNDO HOLIDAY CELEBRATED A MASS AMOUNT OF PEOPLE IN YOUR COUNTRY AND PLACE THE DATE OF THE EXAM ON A FLIP-FLAPPIN' WEEKEND AT 8:30 IN THE FRACK-TACKIN' MORNING WHEN THERE ARE SOME GOD FORSAKEN PEOPLE WHO LIVE AN HOUR AWAY FROM YOUR GOSH DARNED INSTITUTION?!?!?!?!?

But enough of the ALL caps.

This is how my week went:

Monday
-6:30 drive brother to work
-7:50 get edible items from grocery store
-10:00 start work
-18:00 get off work
-21:30 go to bed

Tuesday
-6:30 drive brother to work
-7:50 get breakfast from grocery store
-8:15 begin studying for Exam A
-17:00 pick brother up from work
-18:15 eat and get back to studying
-23:45 give up on studying and go to bed

Wednesday
-6:30 drive brother to work
-7:50 get orange juice from grocery store because of being ridiculously sick (just great)
-8:15 eat breakfast and study for Exam C
-16:00 pick brother up from work
-17:15 eat and get back to studying
-17:45 give up on studying
-21:00 go to bed

Thursday
-6:30 drive brother to work
-8:30 shower and go to school for Exam A
-13:30 begin Exam A
-15:30 leave school go straight to work
-17:00 begin work
-21:30 finish work go home
-22:00 go to bed

Friday
-6:30 drive brother to work
-8:30 realize that not enough studying was done for Exam C; ignore Exam B (STUPIDLY!)
-13:20 panic attack and tears over not enough study time
-15:00 pick up brother get something to eat
-16:20 colitis acts up over fast food + panic attack, stuck in traffic = BAD FLAPPIN' NEWS!
-17:15 study for Exam B; panicking
-20:00 mom arrives and distracts
-20:45 mom leaves, brother distracts
-22:00 go to bed

Saturday
-6:00 go to school
-8:30 begin Exam B
-9:20 exit Exam B --> cry because over half the questions were not answered and failing exam = failing course
-9:35 phone mom and cry some more
-10:30 eat food figure out how to fix school stuff
-11:00 begin studying for Exam C w/ classmates
-13:30 begin Exam C
-14:40 complete Exam C; feels confident; goes to mall to finish X-mas shopping
-16:00 gets back to brother's place; gets stuff together; family picks up and goes home
-17:00 finally home and wraps presents
-18:30 showers goes to bf's house
-20:30 goes to theatre to see Avatar w/ bf and his family

Sunday
-1:00 gets home from movie
-1:30 sleeps
-10:45 wakes up and eats
-11: 50 begins studying for Exam D
-20:20 leaves for brother's place
-20:50 arrives at brother's place, no key, can't get inside; phone not being answered either
-21:11 tries to find ice rink that brother is at = no luck
-21:30 goes back to place still no one there
-21:40 goes home
-22:33 dieing inside right friggin' now

And tomorrow I get to wake up UBER early because I have another 8:30 exam.... lucky friggin' me and at 1 o'clock in the afternoon tomorrow I get to work till 9:30pm.

I have a very bad feeling about the rest of this week because I will be working up until X-mas and I am sure that I will get my first write up because if ANY customer gives me lip, talks me down, is rude to me in any direct or indirect way I WILL react and I WON'T be nice about it!

Anyways, I should sleep because I'm going to school at 6 tomorrow morning.

Here's some hope for me that I won't panic attack again and that my colitis will not react to the panic attack because I won't be able to handle that.

Have a sleep-filled night, lovely dreams, and let's hope that I'll survive the rest of this dreadful week. :(
Happy Holidays