Holy Freaking Young-Adult-Life-Crisis

Hello Interwebs,

So I have come to the sad realization that I am almost 22 and completely put off by the notion of a relationship or even having to come into a "let's get to know each other" situation with the opposite sex for relationship purposes. I mean, seriously, what the hell?

I just attempted to make a POF account and found I could not bring myself to do finish signing up. All the information had been filled out, however, when it came to designating my intent for creating the account... I had none. Even with FB I can't change my "relationship status" to single because firstly, I don't want to advertise that "hey! I'm single, feel free to comment on how lame that is" and secondly, I don't want any of the people on FB to offer up a potential date. Honestly, just stop or I'll remove you from my friend's list, block you and have an eye-twitch spasm any time your name is mentioned thereafter.

This is in part that I am just not ready to get into a relationship, yet I find myself wanting that person to snuggle with just before falling asleep. The other part is that this is the first time in years that I have been single and I finally have time for just me. I'm already terrible at trying to socialize with people I don't know because I find it stupid to ask them the generic "what do you like to do in your spare time? what's your career? what's your goal in life? don't you just think unicorns are the best?" Thinking of myself in that situation where you're literally interrogating the other person seems silly to me as well as awkward. It'd be better if things could just free-flow and the conversation just leads itself, but how the hell can that happen if you don't ask questions? UGH PRESSURE!

On the flip side, I was hoping to finish University, wiggle my way into a career and somehow have a bf/fiance/husband a few years later just to pop out a few mini-me's and pass down my strange to them. This clearly is not going to be happening the way I imagined. It doesn't really help that I am now a "commitment-phobe" and completely untrusting of any potential "bf" type. In sum: I am scared shitless that I will die alone with no offspring to tell me they'll love me no matter how crazy I am or how far up the wall I drive them.

I do and don't want to fall in love but people can't go promising me that they will love me forever because A) people are not immortal and B) some people get alzheimer's so how the hell are they to recall that they promised to love you forever? It does not help that Hollywood movies have built up this idea in my head that the girl who's not looking for a relationship miraculously gets swept off her feet by some dashing new man who has popped out of nowhere being all that she desires and they end up falling in love in THEE most dramatic-rollercoaster way imaginable. In the end she's always happy and you can feel the love leeping off the screen and leaching into your pores so that you have to go reject that overdosage of love into the toilet. Thus, I honestly believe that "love" is a ficticious abstract concept created by Hollywood sadists who enjoy watching people fail at reenacting this concept irl.

Yeah, ok, I am pathetic and just being silly perhaps, but I am experiencing this internal battle between wanting all these "ideals" which Disney and the Family channel has subliminally infused into my brain and my repulsion of all these desires to actually be achieved.

Back to writing about the effects of lead in the human skeletal system...

Ash

Doris Mae (Stewart)

Beautiful blue eyes slipped away in the night
The sound of her last breath shook the house
All tensions put at ease
All pain wisped away

No longer a captured soul in a broken vessel
She soared through the skies back to her beloved creek
Through the fields of dancing grass in the wind
Up to the endless prairie skies filled with her childhood dreams

"Feeling as fresh as a daisy" - Doris Mae

I miss you terribly, Grandma. Thank you for passing on your titanium strong stubbornness and always giving me little giggles at the end of every visit. Your importance in my life will forever reflect in everything I do. And until the day I die, the memory of you will live strong.

Ashley Mae